Divorcing A Narcissist (Or Someone With Toxic Traits)

By: Beth Andersen-Filson

Why are there so many narcissists? Must be something in the water. After all, that is where Narcissus saw and fell in love with his own reflection, arguably making him the father of all narcissists.

If you have been in a relationship with a narcissist or someone with toxic traits, you may feel frustrated, confused, and even like you are losing your mind. While anything diagnostic is well beyond the scope of this blog, my firm is highly familiar with the following tactics and traits often labeled as “narcissistic” by our clients in divorce, custody, allocation of parental responsibilities (APR), protection order, and post-decree family law cases. They all seem to have read the same narcissist’s handbook. I find their behavior is often very easy to predict.

Common Narcissistic Traits

One can see how it would be very difficult to be married to someone with the following 9 Narcissistic Personality Disorder traits (as outlined in the “DSM 5”), whether or not formally diagnosed. One may wonder why anyone would marry such a person in the first place. The answer is their skill with manipulation and love bombing. Having learned to mask their true identity, they brilliantly imitate the ideal partner of their victim’s dreams and then, just as skillfully, dismantle their partner’s sense of self while revealing the following traits of their own:

Have inflated self-esteem or a grandiose sense of self-importance or superiority.
Crave admiration.
Seek exploitative relationships (i.e., manipulation).
Have little to no empathy.
Identity is easily disturbed (i.e., can’t handle criticism).
Have a lack of attachment and intimacy.
Have feelings of depression or emptiness when not validated.
Feel a sense of entitlement.
Can feel like others are envious of them, or may envy others

Tactics of a Narcissist or Someone With Toxic Traits

PROJECTION: People with narcissistic or toxic traits usually lack empathy and cannot put themselves in another’s shoes. Instead, they predictably project their own thoughts onto others. This can be a dead giveaway of what they themselves are thinking and doing. Many times the opposing party has accused my client of having a secret account or stash of cash when my client would not even think of doing such a thing. But it turns out the accuser DOES have a secret account and was stashing cash and gold coins in a safe. Because they lack empathy, they were incapable of conceiving that their partner would not be up to the same tricks as them, and thereby accidentally pointed us straight to their own bad acts.
DARVO: DARVO is short for Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. For example, you might state a fact such as, “You were 20 minutes late to pick up the children for their parenting time.” First, they might Deny the action, saying they were pulling into the exchange site almost on time and that you had agreed to a grace period anyway. Next they might Attack you as you as the problem, saying you are nitpicky or mean. They are Reversing your role as Victim with their role as Offender by switching the conversation to their degrading lecture about how you are stressing everyone out, always picking fights, and making a big deal out of nothing.
MANIPULATION: The narcissistic-type person does not always say things because they are true. They often say things because of their effect on the other person. Their goal is rarely to collaborate but rather to self-preserve at the other’s expense. As my yoga teacher said, “They would cut off your head to make themselves feel taller.” If they hurt, confuse or trigger you, mission accomplished. For example, they may say, “You never stick to the budget,” even though they have no written budget and deleted yours unread. Confronting them with your factual defense will do no good. Just continue to follow your own logical, emotionally healthy life without giving their illogical thoughts and offensive insults much consideration or weight. Easier said than done. Therapy, journaling, DEEP, and support groups help. And in the meantime, your attorney can handle the manipulative agenda with objectivity, experience, and legal expertise.
STONEWALLING: A person with toxic traits will put an end to collaborative discussions and communication by refusing to engage. They will walk away, interrupt, cut you off, lecture, DARVO, insult, give vague answers and lie. The goal is not to communicate and resolve. The goal is to stop you from communicating so they can continue to control.

GASLIGHTING: This tactic is titled after the play and movie “Gaslight” in which the husband hid behind the walls and tampered with the gaslights, denying it happened, in order to make his wife think she was crazy. This is more than just lying. It is a campaign of small lies and denials over time in a concerted effort to undermine their victim’s confidence in their own perception of reality. This is so cruel as the gaslighter is literally trying to drive their partner to madness. For example, your former partner might always pay the child support a day late and a dollar short. Then when you complain, they order the payment records that show pretty good payment history. Your lawyer tells you it is not a big deal and you should not pay $5,000 for a hearing about something so trivial. You start to doubt yourself and wonder if you are the problem. Do not be taken in. Learn to document what is real and what is a ploy. If your gut tells you the constant stressful “mishaps” are deliberate, they may well be. Death by a thousand cuts. It took me years, but at this point I recognize it when I see it.

WORD SALAD: This is the tactic of quickly and confusingly jumbling a bunch of randomly unconnected ideas and sentences together in order to bring communication to a standstill. For example, when you point out the other parent was 20 minutes late to the child exchange, they reply, “Excuse me that traffic exists. And by the way I am late because dealing with you and your constant drama is exhausting. You’re always nitpicking and trying to cause conflict which just adds to the chaos. This is exactly why being married to you was impossible and caused our divorce. Everyone agrees. Your need to create discord out of nothing — probably because of your mother — makes it impossible to keep things running smoothly. It’s like your mother and you thrive on making everything difficult. The kids are stressed out all the time and probably should live with me full time.” Does it feel like you have a hard time making sense of your conversations? Do you walk away from every conversation confused and wondering why nothing was accomplished? Does every conversation leave you feeling awful? You may have been hit with a word salad.

LOVE BOMBING: You may want to harken back to the heady honeymoon days of wooing early in your relationship. Your partner agreed with everything you did, seemed to be just like you, claimed you were the love of their life unlike anything they ever experienced before. Keep in mind, maybe this is fakery in an effort to win you over. If it were real, it would not have suddenly stopped, often starting to fade as soon as the marriage certificate is signed. Love bombing is how these manipulators were able to outkick their coverage and marry someone as great as you in the first place.

HOOVERING: This term comes from the name of the Hoover Vacuum as it is a ploy of employing those old love bombing tactics to suck you back into the marriage when you try to leave the relationship. Be wise to the possibility that this may be fakery that suddenly ends just as quickly as the love bombing did.

FUTURE FAKING: This goes with love bombing and hoovering because it starts with a bunch of wonderful-sounding promises, continues with a series of excuses, and ends with the promises never being fulfilled. For example, your partner may promise to buy a house near your parents.Years in, the move has not happened but will happen “soon,” when finances and employment align. Decades in, you realize they will never move and have no qualms or regrets about the lies and excuses.

ISOLATING: A manipulator will try to cut you off from your sources of support such as friends and family, work, confidence and even finances in order to make it easier for them to control and manipulate you. For example, they may tell you your job is getting in the way. They may ask, “Why are you always out with your friends instead of with me?” or, “Why does your family hate me and try to drive us apart?” Finally, you are so exhausted you start to pull away from those commitments and relationships in order to keep the peace and be the devoted spouse you vowed to be.

STUDYING THEIR PREY: It is so interesting that when the victim of a narcissist tries to get some peace and quiet or break free, their predator tries to escalate the contact and draw them back into the fray. They truly seem obsessed with their victims. After all, it took a lot of studying to unearth all the likes, traits and qualities needed to woo and manipulate their partner. If you feel like they know you well, they do. They just do not understand your kindness, grace, self-sacrifice and deep abiding love because they do not have these things. It is sad. As successful as they might seem to be, I imagine it is a very shallow, lonely and unrewarding life, not to mention all the hard work needed to try to control and manipulate every person and situation to their benefit.

USING YOUR VALUES AGAINST YOU: People who are honest keep their promises and hold to their values. This is often the reason they stay in toxic marriages. They do not divorce lightly if their religion or ideal of a good person is against divorce. Manipulative people with toxic traits do not hold themselves accountable to these. And yet they have no qualms calling their partner out on their supposed failure to live up to the narcissists made-up standards for their victim’s values. For example, most faiths are based on forgiveness and grace. Practitioners try to uplift and help others, not put them down. And yet MANY manipulators and toxic people, whether or not they have ever tried to be kind or walked into a church, will use these values to sarcastically say, “I thought you were a good person,” or “I thought you were a real Christian.” This is not faith and kindness; it is cruel manipulation.

PUTTING THE CHILDREN IN THE MIDDLE: A good parent puts their children ahead of themselves. They remove the children from the conflict of divorce. A selfish parent uses the children as pawns in the divorce. They may foist their own problems onto the children, making them a buddy or parentifying them into sacrificing their own life to serve their parent’s needs. They may try to turn the children against the other parent. Children and young adults are inexperienced and impressionable, usually wanting to please both parents. So the manipulations such as love bombing are pretty easy to employ, especially if the child has been groomed their whole life to see themselves as their own parent’s protector. This manipulation is stressful to the children and harms them. Do not do this, and be mindful that the other parent may be doing it, particularly if that parent lacks empathy for their own children.

TRAUMA BONDING: The worse the abuse and the more complex the injury, the harder it seems for my clients to break away. This could be due to the trauma bonds that firmly attach them to their abusers BECAUSE of the abuse. A trauma bond is a strong emotional attachment between an abuser and their victim, often as a result of a cycle of abuse and intermittent positive reinforcement. For example, a client may say they cannot work, they cannot afford to leave, they cannot move, they cannot leave the children with the other parent. Often they CAN do these things but their trauma bond seems to hold them back. I do not ever judge my clients for this. I am always going to listen to you and accept you as you are. I may not agree with you if you want to throw a good settlement out the window or let someone hit you, but I will listen and represent you within the bounds of the law and ethics. People with trauma bonds have a tough road and I do not think they deliberately chose this position. Someone else hurt them and the fault lies with their abusers.

VERBAL, EMOTIONAL AND PHYSICAL ABUSE: Abuse often escalates with time. If there is a threat of violence, have a safety plan and reach out to agencies addressing domestic violence (Tel. 800-799-7233) or law enforcement (Tel. 911).

Tips for Dealing With a Narcissist

DEEP: This is a great strategy for dealing with someone with narcissistic or toxic traits. Do NOT go DEEP (Defend, Engage, Explain or take it Personally). Do not Defend yourself. They will just argue. Do not Engage. It is a waste of time and energy. Instead, use the “gray rock” strategy of staying calm and saying as little as possible. This is different from stonewalling because you are more than happy to discuss things in a positive way. It is only used when collaborative efforts fail to the point of futility and harm that you stop trying. Do not Explain yourself. They do not care to step into your shoes (and possibly are not capable of doing so). Again, it is a waste of breath. Do not take it Personally. It is not you; it is them. And they may well not be able to act differently even if they wanted to do so.

DEEP 2 DO LIST: I personally have a hard time focusing on what NOT to do and prefer a TO DO list. So I came up with my own “DEEP 2 DO” activities. Because they are so simple to remember and do in the moment, they have seen me through several tough interactions. D = Deep breath (helps you think clearly), E = Echo what they say through reflective listening without judgment. Do not be surprised if you repeat verbatim their illogical and derogatory words only to hear back “you are twisting it” or “I did not say that.” No worries. Just say, “I am sorry I misunderstood. Can you please repeat what you said?” E = End the interaction as quickly as possible. Unfortunately, dragging things out with a manipulator rarely makes it better. P = Pretend it does not bother you. Smile and walk away. You will feel like a very strong superhero when you do these things.

Your Lawyer Can Help

At Andersen Law PC, we get a call from someone who states they are divorcing a narcissist almost every day. I have spent years studying people with these selfish traits. You need a lawyer who understands how manipulative they are and who is able to identify and stand up to their tricks. Feel free to call or text my personal cell phone at 303-808-4794 for a free consultation.