Approximately 10 million people experience domestic violence in the United States every year. And according to the Centers for Disease Control, about 41% of women and 26% of men have experienced physical violence, sexual violence or stalking by an intimate partner. This does not even include victims of narcissistic, financial and emotional abuse.
Yet, the stereotype of a meek, helpless, penniless, barefoot battered wife is misleading and harmful. The truth is domestic violence and narcissistic abuse can affect almost anyone regardless of gender, age, socioeconomic standing and education level. The abusers actually have more in common than their victims. While perpetrators are unified by their manipulation, need for control, lack of empathy and grandiose sense of self-importance, there is no single profile that fits all victims.
Given common misconceptions and stereotypes of victims, the following 10 characteristics of victims of narcissistic abuse, emotional abuse, and domestic violence may surprise you. Make no mistake, these are ALL positive traits that abusive partners misuse in order to coerce, control and cause harm.
- They are often successful Type A achievers and perfectionists. I call it the Whitney Houston syndrome. She was smart, beautiful, talented and successful — never met a problem she could not fix. Yet over the years she could not overcome the abusive traits and addictions of her partner until she succumbed to them. A person who thinks they can fix or change their abuser and is not willing to give up on them may go too far and end up giving up on themselves instead.Abusers and manipulators prey on these perfectionist traits knowing that if they call their partner a loser or the problem or a bad person, the Type A person will try to prove them wrong by NOT giving up. They’ll take on the challenge, trying to fix their abuser by trying to change themselves, even if it is to their own detriment. In addition, narcissists love to be surrounded by successful people thinking it enhances their own image. They also know that a high profile person may not want their image tarnished by divorce or admission of being a domestic violence victim. And let’s not forget high achievers are willing to work hard and build income, something the abuser may want to use for themselves.TIP: Do not let anyone else tell you whether you are a good person because that will let them control you.
- They may come from happy families. Having an abusive childhood, trauma and complex PTSD may set someone up to pick a partner who also abuses: They may miss the signs or even find them familiar. But people who grew up in happy, functional families are not immune. They can also make great targets because they assume others are as kind and well intentioned as their family and them. They may be naïve and sheltered from the elements of society that are detrimental and therefore are blindsided when a truly manipulative person comes into their life.
Like a physically protected and sheltered child who has not built up an immunity to germs and disease, an emotionally protected and sheltered person may not have built up an inoculation against an evil and manipulative intruder intent on destroying them. And, no, the abuse will not feel familiar to them. But abusers often come in with love bombing and fake kindness then increase their abuse over time in incremental steps that are difficult to identify and fight until it is too late, especially for an innocent, happy, well-meaning person who does not see them coming.TIP: Background check and fact check potential partners including their family and friends. If something does not add up, get to the bottom of it before you fall in love and lose all objectivity. Do not ever lower your standards and morals to impress a partner or seem cool. Keep your integrity – especially in new relationships. - They can be adventurous, open-minded, free spirits. A person who keeps to a small group of close friends just like them, never leaving their comfort zone, may still end up in an abusive relationship. However, adventurous and open-minded people who are inclined to give the other person the benefit of the doubt may meet more people and make a great target for an abuser. The same adventurous, nonjudgmental qualities that send a person backpacking through Europe, serving in a foreign mission, living on a kibbutz, and living in a neighborhood surrounded by people of other cultures, may cause them to write off or excuse uncomfortable habits and feelings brought on by someone who means them harm. Sometimes being chill is not OK if it means tolerating harm. TIP: Listen to your body and avoid anything that instills fear or feels off. Check that impulsivity when it comes to relationships. Save it for skydiving, not lifetime commitments.
- They are empathetic, loving and generous. Because abusers take, take, take, they are attracted to people who give, give, give. Because narcissists may lack empathy, they may need the help of a very empathetic person to negotiate a world based on expectations of kindness and understanding. Often, both partners impose their own feelings, values and agendas on the other person. So the manipulative and abusive person attributes their self-serving and manipulative agendas to their partner. No matter how hard that person tries to prove their kindness and good intentions, the abuser does not believe.Meanwhile, the kind person believes that everyone has the same good intentions or operates under the false belief that they can fix or change their partner to be like them. A perfect storm for a toxic, dysfunctional and abusive partnership.TIP: Read books on boundaries. Make a list of your boundaries and stick to them. You are not the giving tree.
- They are resilient and determined. One might think that a narcissistic and abusive person would want to latch on to the weakest of the herd, an easy victim to destroy. However, once a victim is utterly destroyed and serves the abuser no purpose — often by succumbing to things like addiction, depression, even death — the relationship ends. Like a parasite that latches on to a strong host to better prolong the parasitic attachment, an abusive or self-serving person may latch onto a strong person who can withstand years of abusive treatment while seemingly functioning well in outside society.TIP: Winners do quit sometimes. If it is causing self harm, it might be time to quit.
- They can hold their own in an argument. Often a person who commits ongoing verbal or even physical abuse is stimulated by the abuse and response which may well escalate over time. The stereotype of a wilting flower who flees does not make for a good sparring partner. Whereas a person who joins the argument serves several of an abuser’s goals: regular back-and-forth arguments resulting in a cortisol boost; creating a great scapegoat for the DARVO (deny, attack, reverse victim and offender) technique wherein an abuser stimulates a reactive response then mercilessly blames the victim for being the actual problem; the perverse joy of being able to make and watch a seemingly calm person devolve into dysregulation and misery.
TIP: Never argue with a 2-year-old, a drunk person, a narcissist or an abuser. Just listen and inform them of what you will or will not do. Walk away if you are feeling emotional or if they are putting you down or even remotely scaring you. You can tell them that you will be back later so they do not worry, then leave.
- They are fiercely devoted to their children. Many people stay in abusive relationships because they are so fearful of leaving their children in the hands of the abuser. They would rather suffer themselves than abandon their helpless children to the same treatment or perhaps even worse. Fortunately, there are many protections for children in these situations. As one person put it: Better one healthy sane parent than an abuser and a hostage.TIP: Put on your own oxygen mask first. If you lose it or are not around, the child(ren) will end up with your abuser. So protect yourself first then rescue.
- They are optimistic, forgiving and full of hope. At this point, the effects of these traits may be obvious. An abuser keeps hurting and a forgiver keeps forgiving and hoping tomorrow will be different. Therapy, support groups and journaling are great tools to bring reality into the situation. As one lawyer said, “The next 10 years will probably be like that last 10 years.” Or as I see it, with abuse, the next 10 years will likely be even worse, because the level of abuse often increases with time, increased intimacy and familiarity. Same thing for that tolerance of abuse. Often their best day with their partner today is worse than their worst day with their partner at the initiation of the relationship.TIP: Write and read your journals. Has anything changed? Is it getting worse? Ask your friends and family if you are changing. Get into therapy and support groups. Learn what is real and what is unreasonable hope. You can pray and send good vibes for sure, but also take action based on today’s reality.
- They have high standards for their partners. The stereotype of a perpetual victim with low self-esteem, desperately latching onto anyone and everyone is misleading. Many victims of narcissists, manipulators and abusers came in with very high expectations and even a list of exceptional qualities they seek in a partner. Abusers have an uncanny ability to key into what their victim seeks and to mimic it for a period of time, appearing to be the elusive perfect partner who exists only in rom-coms. You want a PETA member, high-income vegan who gardens and loves Deepak Chopra? Your handsome, between-jobs NRA member, hunting guide partner will gift you a puppy (red flag), surprise you by jumping your fence and converting your backyard into a kale garden while you are at work (red, red flag), then whisk you off for week-long second date at a vegan meditation spa in Arizona (love-bombing 101 – run!)TIP: If it seems too good to be true, it probably is … a narcissist.
- They have the opposite of a victim mentality. Ironically, many abusers are locked into a victim mentality while their actual victims are the exact opposite. The abuser will continually point fingers, never accepting responsibility much less trying to improve themselves. Meanwhile, the victim of domestic violence and narcissistic abuse reads dozens of self help books, joins support groups, listens to self-improvement podcasts, watches all of Dr. Ramani’s YouTube videos and, of course, goes to therapy. The good news is that these efforts will help the victim move on to be an overcomer and victor. The bad news is that their abuser will probably never change. Just like the very nearsighted person who cannot drive themselves to get glasses because they cannot see, the narcissist will never get therapy from a minion because they already know everything and will never try to change because they are permanently blind to their own flaws.TIP: Do not be ashamed of your good nature and do not be shamed by another’s bad nature. You have a right to a happy life starting now.
In summary, anyone can be the victim of abuse. If this includes you, do NOT blame yourself. Feel free to reach out to my firm, Andersen Law PC, at 720-922-3880 or me for a free consultation on how you can break free from a toxic marriage.
